How to Ruin Your 4 yr Old's Weekend

Take him on his first airplane ride EVER! Pack portable DVD player and 3 of his favorite DVDs.  Sit back and watch him throw a bitch fit about the 1 DVD you did not pack.  You did not pack this DVD because you DON'T. EVEN. OWN. the DVD he speaks of.

You even gave him the window seat.  Rookie

Offer him complimentary airplane pretzels.  He will say no, he does not want them.  So then you will begin to eat said pretzels at which time he will throw yet another bitch fit because he wants those.  You will offer him a pack of pretzels that have not been opened.  Fool, he doesn't want those! THOSE are not HIS pretzels.  Offer him the rest of pack you started eating.  Those are no longer good either because you have already eaten 2-3 and obviously the whole pack is ruined.  Obviously.

Go get rental car. Plane will land and you will start to make your way to the rental car desk.  4 yr old will proceed to whine that you need to "sign out" (what??? I still have no idea what he meant by that) and will start crying because he wants to go this way (even though you need to go the other way). You will try to get him excited about riding in a cool new car! But it will not work, he wants Daddy's truck and ONLY daddy's truck... that is in TN...and you are currently in South Dakota....

Drive to hotel. You have a couple hour drive ahead of you in order to reach your final destination, so you will stop to get lunch.  Hey, let's go to McDonald's!!! You can eat it in the car and it's YOUR FAVORITE PLACE.  Hooray!! Hoowrong. 4 yr old will declare he wants to eat at the hotel.  You will explain that the hotel is far away and we will be so hungry by the time we get there.  So let's eat McDonald's, yay! No, this is unacceptable.  Cue crying....

Eat Lunch. You choose to go to McDonald's anyway.  You ask Satan whiny 4 yr old if he wants 4 or 6 chicken nuggets.  He will say 3, he only wants 3.  You order 6 (because dad will eat any  leftovers) and just before you pass them back to him you have the thought that you better take 3 out of the box.  It's a good thing you did that because that mother-effer will count them as soon as he gets the box in order to make sure you are following directions.

Arrive at destination. You get to hotel and get to your room.  4 yr old immediately starts to strip so that he can get into his swimming trunks.  You tell him you need to do a few things around town first and then we will swim.  Mistake.  You then offer short pool time, but then we have to come back to the room and go do other things.  He accepts the deal, but you still know you will face his wrath when pool time is over.  You take him to the pool, even though you know how it will end, because you are worn down and you just want 30 min of peace.   When pool time is over, 4 yr old will cry  throughout hotel lobby about how he "never gets to go swimming." I just....can't.....

Do fun things. You finally get a smile on his face by taking him go-karting and playing putt putt golf.  You thank the good Lord for this 45 min of peace you have stumbled upon.

You just try to get through the rest of the night and you honestly don't remember much of it because you have checked out and your body is on some sort of auto-pilot just trying to survive and not destroy the boy child.

Wake up the next morning. It's time to get dressed! 4 yr old does not want to get dressed.  You ask over and over for him to get dressed and he begins to cry because he wants to wear his 'struction (construction) shirt and you go to put it on him and he cries because he wants his ninja turtle shirt and you go to put it on him and he cries because he wants shorts, no pants, no I don't want any of these clothes.  You start to cry too.  Is there a mini-bar in our room somewhere?

Go see Daddy at 1/2 Marathon Start Line.  The Start Line is on a football field! 4 yr old will cry because you are an asshole and won't let him play football on said field.  You will point out that there are no footballs around, no one is currently playing football on the field, and that you have to go eat breakfast and the football field is about to close.  He will then whine about how "he never gets to play football."

See Daddy race by at Mile 9.  He will throw you a bone and be ok with this.

Post-race Lunch. You will arrive at restaurant and he will ask to sit outside.  As soon as you sit at your table he will declare he wants to sit inside.  He will start whining.  You might, just maybe, scream at him "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!" He will say he does not want to eat.  And he will hold firm.  And because he is one stubborn SOB he will not eat the chicken tenders and fries you ordered for him.

Go home. You will shove the DVD player in his face at all times because you do not care anymore and at this point it's more about getting him home alive than it is about his tiny little eyes and brain cells consuming 1,000 hours of Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

So there you have it.  Pin this to your Pinterest, print it out, do whatever you have to do so that YOU TOO can ruin your 4 yr old's weekend!